Steven Covey Taught Me to Deal wth Difficult People at Work with Empathy

Empathy can be a powerful tool for dealing with difficult people in the office.

Today we are hacking empathy. How do you hack an emotion? Well, if a hack is repurposing something to your advantage then here comes the hack. Empathy is a powerful human emotion that can be a real ally in the office. We all have to deal with difficult people, usually on a daily basis. How you respond to that can have a big effect on your day, or even your career.

Forgive me for not recalling the story perfectly but one of the most memorable parts of Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People was, for me, the story of a man on the subway who could not control his children. Another passenger (Covey himself?) finds this upsetting, intrusive, and eventually can’t hold himself back and confronts the man, asking him to do something about his kids. The response? “I’m sorry, but we’ve just come back from the hospital. Their mother passed away and I just don’t know what to do.”

It puts our annoyance with people in a whole new perspective doesn’t it? Do you know why the person in the office next door upsets you so often? If your colleague is having a rough day (year?) consider why that might be before you start to judge. Perhaps they have a child, or other relative, serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe their child is sick or they had an argument with their spouse. Your empathy for this person, even if you don’t know what is happening in their life, can make you a happier and more productive person in the office. Of course, it doesn’t have to be something so big as losing a spouse of a relative serving overseas. There are countless more mundane reasons why we have rough days from mounting bills to the kids crying half the night and making us go to work on three hours sleep.

I don’t write this just to remind you that there may be perfectly good reasons why a person is acting the way that they do. It is also a reminder that you are in control of your own emotional responses to someone. If Covey had known about the man’s wife having just passed away he would never have been upset - quite the opposite. Clearly in this case he was in control of how he felt about the situation.

So, take control in the office of how you feel about your colleagues. Where you can, give them the benefit of the doubt and try to undeerstand what is causing their behaviors. When all else fails and you just can’t stand someone’s behavior, resolve to not be upset by it. Control your own emotions.

How will this help your career?

Quite simply when others around you are being dragged down by someone else, you can thrive. At the very least you will be a productive person under difficult circumstances. In the best situation you may even be recognized for it.

I have had occasions where my boss knew he was asking me to work with difficult people. He knew he was asking me to do it because nobody else could. My ability in these cases to work with difficult people and to help them thrive in our organization was a real asset to the company. My ability as a leader was recognized because of what I was able to do with these people.

Anyone can handle the easy people. You have an important managerial skill if you can work with the challenging ones. When you next have the chance to deal with the office grouch, think why they might be that way. Use empathy to make yourself more effective - and happier!

Coming tomorrow: Why shouldn’t you just fire the difficult people?

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